Just started dating, and i'm REALLY SCARED because

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#1

I’m 25 male and have hair on my back and shoulders. You can read this post to see what im going through:

I just started dating the most incredible person in the world and I happen to be right after a laser treatment, so my back is fairly clear for now. However, within 3 weeks or so, the hair is going to start growing again. I am really really worried about this and scared that she will freak out, be bothered, or leave me because of it.

Is there anything i can do mid-treatment to minimize the amount of visible hair, like a little waxing? (and shaving is completely useless and will make it worse).

Should I just be completely open about my laser treatments and confident about it?? Does anyone have hands on experience with this???

#2

I’d be open about it - tell her that you’re having the treatments because you have so much hair that it bothers you. Why should she freak out about that? You’re doing it (at least partly) for her sake, because you think it’s gross to be so hairy.

Being open about these things only requires that you have that bit of nerve for the 5 minutes it takes to tell her about it. Trying to hide it is impossible, and you’ll just give yourself a lot more worries.

Henrik

#3

Yes, just being open about it should be fine. You can say it makes you uncomfortable, and you’re doing it for both of you, because you like to look good for her! :wink:

#4

I agree with posters above.

My other question would be: how does shaving make things worse? And aren’t you shaving before your treatments?

#5

I feel its easier to become emotionally intimate with a man who is a bit more open. You see, we women eventually find out who you are anyway.

You have an opportunity to open up about something that is a big issue for you. She has an opportunity to reveal to you who she is, by her reaction.

#6

I meant it grows back too quickly and causes stuble, etc… (nothing to do with the effectiveness of the laser treatments…)

#7

You need to let the hairs grow and not interfere with the hair growth cycle while you are having laser done therefore do not wax.

I say, shave according to your laser protocol.

Think of your long term goal.

#8

I don’t think you should be “open” about it and just mention it out of the blue…as in having a talk about how it bothers you and how you are getting treatment. That is the nice speak of what you should do, but in reality, I wouldn’t make it an issue. Portray confidence and that you don’t really care either way if she doesn’t find it particularly attractive. Even if she feels the stubble and makes mention of it, just be confident and be like well I’m getting laser treatments but crack a joke or something about it. Say you are hairy like animal, and manly or somethin. Be confident, that is the most important thing.

It sounds like you are lucky, and you can shave, so why not just do that until you determine if laser will eliminate your problem.

#9

hi adam, just was wondering how dating was going??? what did you decide to do? im kinda in the same boat as you in that im 24 hairy male. i decide to steer clear of relationships as guess im scared of what they will say, i tend to stick with one night stands as its easier to hide. im not going to do this forever obviously just untill ive had enough treatments untill im happy with myself.

i would probably agree with chuck and not be too open about treatments, try and gauge what her opinion is about hairy men, as i find some girls just really dont like it at all, where as some girls just thinks its a sign of manliness.

just a tip for hairy people, i find by asking what celebreties a girl fancies can determine whether they like hairy people. so colin farrell-hair, or johnny depp-not and so on… ha thats what i do anyway.

#10

as a girl, i would add that there is also such thing as “don’t mind it” in addition to “like” and “don’t like”. and most non-superficial girl friends of mine are probably in that category. if they like a guy, finding out about excessive hair won’t change their mind about liking him. they might not tell their friends about it, but that doesn’t mean they mind it. they just don’t want to be judged. i find that if the girl is a decent person overall, these kinds of things don’t matter much. so my point is I guess, go for and get to the point of her finding out your personality and get to like you first before you get to the point of revealing this and it won’t matter.

btw, check out pictures of Katherine Heigl’s fiance some time. :slight_smile:
http://www.greysanatomyinsider.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/Katherine-Heigl.jpg

#11

wow, thats a really bushy chest ha, i wonder if he has a hairy back? i think there could be a whole section on this forum for hairy celebreties and treatments they may have had done.

i dont think a girl is being superficial if they dont find hairy men attractive. at the end of the day, you have to be attracted to someone to love them, and if a girl just doesnt like body hair then thats fair enough. there are some things i dont find attractive about women, so i go for others i do. there are enough non-hairy men out there for women to pick and choose.

please remember though, i dont really know what im talking about because i have always hidden the fact of being hairy because im too scared. however i would like to point out, i am attractive, good with girls and modest ha.

#12

I don’t think many are technically attracted to excessive hair. I’m not. But if I met someone and liked them already and then found this out (especially knowing that he wanted to do something about it), I wouldn’t mind it. I’d help them through it even. But that initial face/personality attraction has to be there. My ex had hair in areas that some other guys don’t and that in no way made me even consider breaking up with him simply due to that. And I was with him for 4 years btw. Once you like the person, that’s who you like. Everything else about them is only superficial. It doesn’t define them and you shouldn’t act like it does. If you’re confident and happy with yourself, the girl will like you for those qualities.

#13

I agree. I don’t have anything wrong with superficial. I don’t really think it’s wrong. I can’t blame women for not liking guys with hair backs etc. If you aren’t attracted to someone, you aren’t attracted to someone. I think the reason why I want my hair gone is because I am superficial. Honestly, and this may sound sad, but just about the only thing I care about in the other sex is their looks. Now this is of course only at first, and later down the line if you find out you aren’t compatible, then thats the end of it. But to start things off, what is there. It’s hard for me to accept that most women are different. I can tell you countless times I see overweight guys, or guys that have good personalities and aren’t the best looking with smoking hot women. If you are a bad looking guy, you still can get some good looking women. Sometimes I feel bad for women who aren’t as blessed in the looks category, because it’s going to be difficult for them. So, in the very least, us hairy guys should be happy that women are less shallow about looks, and more shallow about money and power :slight_smile:

#14

I looked at other pictures of Josh Kelley, which is Katherine Heigl’s fiance in that picture. It just appears he has the chest hair. I highly doubt he has laser induced forest of hair on his upper arms and shoulders. I’m not worried about chest hair, I’m worried about that “other” hair. I have no qualms that most girls do not find chest hair that unattractive, however back and shoudler hair is another story.

#15

Hi:

Some women like hairy men. Some women see it is a major turn on.

If someone doesn’t like you because you happen to be hairy then they are not meant for you.

Alicia

#16

I do have to say that if you think that most men are different, but most women are the same, and that all men only care about looks, you are living in a pretty small bubble. I agree that if you’re looking for someone at a bar etc, most (men and women) tend to approach only someone they’re initially attracted to. However, in my experience, the bar meetings don’t work themselves out to longterm relationships or marriages. Sometimes they do, sure. But not usually. And you know why? Exactly because of what you stated. All that there is there is the physical attraction. HOPEFULLY, the mental attraction will be there as well, and that’s the rare case of a relationship developing that I mentioned. But most of the time it fades from there. Most good relationships form through meetings through friends etc, where you actually get to know a person a bit first, and get to like them for their personality in addition to their looks (which might even be average) etc (you basically notice that you like them without LOOKING to find something to like about them). Just something to think about. From a girl who gets hit on plenty at bars and who’s very picky :slight_smile:

#17

yep, meeting someone in a bar just isnt reality, everyones been drinking and its pretty hard to tell what someone is really like. and there pretty much always different in the morning…

i just have this nagging thought in my head that if i met someone i really liked and we couldnt be together just because i was hairier than average then that kinda sucks. i dont then feel, oh well i guess it wasnt meant to be, i feel like ive got to do more to not be hairy.

on the personality side, for me and probably alot of people on this forum, being hairy makes us feel self-concious and then its pretty hard to show that you have a good personailty. kind of a vicious circle really.

from a man who also gets hit on plenty at bars and a little bit picky ha…if only i lived in LA.

#18

To add to that chris, I’ve obviously always had issues with excessive hair that I constantly thought about before any type of close encounter with the opposite sex too. However, I still managed to have a four year relationship with one person (whom I didn’t meet at a bar) who mentioned the problem once (I bleached the abdomen for a while before electrolysis, but it started coming off faster after a while) in a way that it didn’t matter one way or the other, even though I’ve never officially discussed it with him. I did point out the more obvious issues to him like not being able to shave bikini and underarms due to irritation/ingrowns and having to grow the hair out for waxing treatments. I just told him he would have to deal with it and I wasn’t going to put up with irritation and ingrowns. He needed to put up with a bit of hair if he wanted some “attention” during the grow-out phase :slight_smile: And you know what? He never turned the opportunity down. I think I hated the hair more than he did. I find that people that don’t struggle with the issue themselves tend to be more forgiving. I pay attention to others’ hair more just because I’m more aware of it due to my issues with it. Btw, I recently talked to him and suprise surprise, he said he’s considering laser for his chest and abs after seeing my results on the bikini area. I was with him when I just started treatments.

Bottom line is that if you’re aware of it and looking to do something about it, it also helps a lot. They will probably support you for both of you. And i do understand about the ability to show your personality. I used to push guys away when I felt I wasn’t in the right week to be “presentable” in my opinion. As chuck said, I think we’re more superficial in judging ourselves than those we’re looking to get with :slight_smile:

p.s. I do have to say that life has been great since laser and electrolysis. In a few more months, I hope to never have to think about hair again. Hopefully… :slight_smile:

#19

Just to let you guys know -
my relationship ended before any hair grew out. So it’s unfortunate I wasnt able to test her and see what happens once the hair grows out. I guess i’ll wait for the next “cycle” :slight_smile: Thanks for all you remarks - i’m sure it can help others as well.

In any case, to add to the points already made: I don’t think being hairy/not hairy is the issue. It’s having hair in places that 99% of other men don’t have. Shoulder and back hair is not normal and not attractive. And it’s to bad because I feel that I am limited as to the amount of women I can choose from as a partner. That’s my main issue. I will have a pool of like 3 women that don’t mind back hair, and that’s it. The odds of finding someone suitable that way are slim. And I can’t have the “fun” that most men in their 20’s have.
And as far as laser treatments go, they will just never work for me. Four years have passed with different lasers and practitioners and companies, and it’s the same regrowth all the time.

Sometimes I wish I was gay - that way I’ll just find someone with the same hair problem as me :slight_smile:

#20

I don’t think you’re as alone as you think you are. At least 30% of the men I’ve come across have had some sort of shoulder/back hair and there may have been others who were waxing or lasering it off. Granted I live in NYC and this may change things a bit, but I don’t think that 99% of men have hairless backs and shoulders!

I also wanted to agree with the others who have said this-if someone likes you, your back hair won’t be a deal breaker. I don’t go out searching for guys with back hair, but if I’m attracted to someone and it turns out he has it, it doesn’t bother me at all. The first time I came across someone with excessive back hair, I wasn’t really attracted to him as a person, so I’ll admit the hair was a turnoff. The next guy I was with I was crazy about, and he had back hair too. It didn’t bother me one bit. It didn’t seem to bother him either, and his confidence was even more of a turn on, which is why I agree with the poster who said you shouldn’t make a big issue out of it. My current boyfriend has hair on his back and shoulders, and I don’t even think about it. Most of my friends feel the same way-if they like someone, the hair isn’t even an issue.