Telling your partner...

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#1

How has it gone over for any of you in telling your partner of your excess hair problem? (Females specifically)

I remove or bleach all of my unwanted hair so my boyfriend really does not know the extent of the problem… we have not been going out very long, about a month and a half (we were friends for several months before that), but we are connecting pretty well and he really likes me and is concerned for me. Last night I admitted to him that I was having medical problems that were really stressing me out, and he wanted to know what they were so he could help me feel better, but I couldn’t tell him. Now I feel like I really want to explain to him about PCOS and my hirsutism, just to get it off my chest (too bad I can’t get the ****ing hair off my chest too…) and to know once and for all if he will be grossed out by me… do you think this is a bad idea? I am afraid he won’t like me anymore or will not be attracted to me once he knows I grow nasty hair all over my body… what should I do? :frowning:

#2

although i cant tell you what to do, i do feel for you. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. TWO YEARS! and it has never fully come up, although he has to know because we’ve been together for so long and spend so much time together. not to mention one time he made a joke about it and i got SO angry! he never did that again, but looking back im kinda glad he acknowledged my flaw. it just shows he doesnt really care about… just something to poke fun at. i wish i could take it as light heartedly as he can!!

ive wanted to talk to him about it, but ive never been comfortable enough to tell him or talk to him about it because I hate being vulnerable or looking weak, but i know if i were to talk to him about it, he wouldnt be any less attracted to me.

if your guy is worth your time, he won’t care. and honestly, he probably already knows (atleast about the hair, not the pcos, obviously)

i cant tell you to talk to him about it(because i havent either!) but if you do just keep in mind if he dumps you, he wasnt worth your time anyway and its better to find out now than later down the line.

hmmm… now you have ME thinking about talking to my guy about it!
good luck :]

#3

oh and also.

i dont think its a bad idea at all! if i had the guts i would have talked to my guy about it a long time ago!!! :]

#4

lula bean, thanks for the encouragement. i have also thought about it a lot today and i think i need to tell him, because i want to be honest with him, and i don’t want to have this “secret” between us. and if it does end up driving him away, it’s better to get it out early in the relationship, rather than after we are more committed…

just as another note, although it doesn’t make a huge difference, i think it does make some-- my hair problem is with body hair, not facial hair. i have a few hairs that come in on my upper lip, but i don’t stress about it because SO many women have the same problem. i do shave my face every couple weeks to keep the blonde peach fuzz down but it’s really not that noticable-- i just do it so i KNOW there is nothing to see. my hirsutism is on the rest of my body. so, i think it does make a small difference, because he’s never seen me naked in full bright light, just in the lights of my apartment, which are relatively dim. and i do shave off most of the hair except the hair on my upper arms, chest, and upper back, which i bleach (it’s mostly fine and sparse-- we’re not talking gorilla hair-- but it has been getting worse.) so if he hasn’t seen that and hasn’t felt my stomach stubble (i always try to shower within an hour or two of seeing him so my stomach is super smooth, but that’s not always possible) then he doesn’t know…

but i think i need to tell him… i know that some women with this problem can even be married for years and never tell their husband, but i don’t feel like i can live like that. i want to be open and honest with him, and i think it will help my anxiety a lot if i know he accepts me, hair problem and all…

#5

i TOTALLY agree!

i hate that i have that burden on my shoulders, too. but at the same time, i know he knows… we just dont talk about it.

i was thinking about this and it occurred to me that it may be about how you tell him/talk to him about it. If youre all freaked out and upset you might freak him out. But if you stay calm and just have the “this is who i am” attitude, he will probably be more open to it right off the bat. after all, he will probably react more to YOUR reaction, you know?

and if youre shaving, im sure he can feel some form of stubble… havent you even been with a guy that shaved they tummies or backs? you can always kinda tell (although yeah, there hair is probably more "gorilla"ish. hehe)

and once its in the open im sure youll be more comfortable with yourself and wont feel the need to shave every time.

just out of curiousity, have you thought about permanent hair removal? like electrolysis? as of right now, im venturing into the idea of electrolysis. ive met with a couple electrologists and i am going in for my first appointment within the next couple weeks.

#6

i think the only place you can feel any stubble on my body is my stomach, but only if you kind of rub it hard, rather than just brushing your hand over it. i do pay attention to what he does in that area and i don’t think he’s ever really rubbed across my stomach like that with his hands. he happens to be a pretty hairy guy (which i don’t mind at all) so i don’t think he could necessarily feel any stubble against his skin, since there is that hair in the way. of course, i don’t know what he can and can’t feel…

as far as telling him… i think i will get emotional about it… i really am not able NOT to since it is just such a major issue in my life… but i won’t dwell on it, i want to present it sort of matter-of-fact — like, this is how it is, i am just letting you know… but i want him to understand also how much it effects me emotionally…

and electrolysis… yes, one day i hope to have it… but it seems pretty hopeless right now since i am COVERED in hair but it is not coarse so i don’t think laser is an option… and electrolysis will take forever and cost LOTS of money on so much hair… but it is definitely a hope for the future.

#7

There are lots of stories on this forum about people telling their partners. Almost all of them state afterwards that their partner already knew of the problem but it didn’t bother them at all and they cared enough not to say anything. It sounds like you’re already good friends and he cares about yo. I would not worry about telling him about it. It’s a medical condition after all. I’m sure he’ll support you through it.

#8

hi hopelessandhairy,

I was going to post this in the other thread but I thought it would be more appropriate here:

If you are willing to let your hair grow out, try bleaching. At least you can bleach as it’s growing too. Yes, the hair will still be there but it will look more natural and less noticeable and most importantly, it will feel a heck of a lot nicer than stubble!
It would be a good way to introduce your partner to the reality of your body hair. As someone who has been there, I really feel for you and hope you will be able to overcome your fear of telling him… if you haven’t yet.

I always thought I would never find anyone who would find me attractive due to my facial and body hair, I always felt it negated anything else that was attractive about me. But I did.
And as lagirl said, he was well aware of it while I was still trying to hide it. I’m really glad I didn’t have to for long though because we spoke openly about it. He always makes me feel beautiful and never acts grossed out by anything (even when I’m growing out hair for waxing!)

It’s such a relief to know that he knows these things about me and that I don’t feel like that I need to live up to some unrealistic ideal. Now I wax because I like to feel smooth not because I think if I don’t he is going to be repulsed or turned off.

i hope everything works out :slight_smile: