Hair growth affecting self esteem & relationship

Start here! Share your feelings
#1

I am a 31 yr ol woman who has had issues with male pattern hair growth since my late teens. In the past 5 or 6 yrs it has gotten increasingly worse to the point where it is affecting my life a lot. I have thick dark hair that grows on my the front of my neck, clavicle, cleavage, breasts and stomach.

The hair in the more intimate areas has greatly affected my sex life. It’s nonexistent. My boyfriend is understanding, but the worse this gets, the less I want to remove any clothes. It took more than 3 yrs together until I finally explained my problem and I sobbed as I told him.

Perhaps the worst is the hair on my neck. It grows fast, and although I tweeze, I can’t seem to keep up…I even keep tweezers at work. I am get a lot of ingrown hairs and loofa and Tendskin will not keep them at bay (as with the rest of my body). I am fair skinned and this is very noticeable and humiliating. More than once I have had people say something to me about my hair.

I don’t have PCOS thankfully, but I also have no health insurance to rule out any other issues. Birth control doesn’t work. Our financial situation is terrible. I often have no more than $20 at the end of the month and my student loan has been in forbearance for 7 yrs. There is no where to find extra money for electrolysis. I tried the home kit for my breasts with no success.

I am desperate to fix this problem and feel hopeless. I am attractive and used to be very confident. I want my confidence back, I want my sex life back. Perhaps this is mostly a vent, but I hope someone has some advice for how to treat the hair on the front of my neck in the meantime. Tweezing is making a mess out of it, but I imagine bleach or depilatory is to harsh to use a couple times a week. Must I shave this region everyday?

#2

You poor poor dear. Your story breaks my heart. The good news is that you have someone who is understanding and loves you very much, which is really something marvelous.

I used these before on my neck (I’m a guy btw, but since you say your growth is similar, these might work for you):

I ended up cutting myself a bit with them, but I also wasn’t used to these, and it seems like a lot of people are able to avoid cutting themselves. Thankfully they are fairly cheap, so it might be more cost-effective for you to use these in the meantime. I would encourage you not to tweeze in case one day you end up pursuing electrolysis. I would avoid depilatory creams on the neck… imagine having a huge red burn there!!!

I wish I could do more to help you.

#3

The problem with shaving is that it won’t camouflage your problem, you’ll look like a woman who shaves her neck.

My best suggestion is to shave so you feel better when you look in the mirror, but also use scarves so that your neck becomes a feature in positive way. Scarves are always in fashion and you should be able to build a wardrobe of scarves for very cheap. There are a million ways to tie them too so don’t tell me they don’t look good on you! :wink:

Aren’t there any electrolysis schools in your area? Maybe you can get some free or very low cost treatments by students?

The home electrolysis kits are virtually useless but maybe you could invest in a second hand machine (it would be worth going into debt for) and learn the technique yourself or have your boyfriend learn and clear your neck. Then you might even have a second income if you get good enough. :slight_smile:

Don’t despair, you’ll get through this at some point!

#4

Einah, I’m sorry to read what you are going through.

A loving partner looks past things like this. I’m sure you are still attractive - you just need to gain that confidence again so you can go back to a ‘normal’ life regardless of the hair. It IS possible.

One question I have - where is the hair coarse? Is most of it just dark and dense? I expect it will be coarse around the areola’s and stomach if anywhere. Perhaps the neck as well.

I would encourage you to stop tweezing because the situation just ends up worse with the skin issues. Bleaching is great but doesn’t work on coarse hair. Boots hair lightener is the best product I’ve found and it’s very popular because it works so well without being irritating. If you can buy it, do try it. I would try and bleach as much of your problem hair as possible. It won’t make it go away but it will make it less obvious. The rest is in part psychological and accepting that it is not as noticeable to other people as it is to you. You can also trim them down. I have a lot of dark hair in my cleavage area that I have not had electrolysis on. Some hairs are 6mm long. I bleach and they become a lot less visible. My husband really doesn’t care and the only reason I’m planning of getting rid of it is so I can be more confident in regards to clothing.

For the coarse areas, trimming or shaving is best. I would suggest not shaving all the time, as this can irritate the skin.

I have one friend who is having electrolysis for coarse hairs on the neck, underchin and chin area. She can’t always have sessions regularly enough to treat hairs that come up, so she trims the hairs down to about 2mm. She is really self conscious but I have been out and about with her when she thinks ‘ugh everyone can see my hairs!’ and the reality is, because of their location, they are not actually that visible. When she has an occasion and she does want smooth skin, she shaves.

Keep saving - a permanent solution will be possible.

#5

Go for CREDIT!

I’m just finishing up a beautiful young woman with massive amounts of hair “all over the place,” and “no money.” I just “went for it,” and now she’s paying me $50 per month (that’s what she can afford).

Nicely, we are about 99.9% done. She’s happy, I’m happy and she didn’t have to make this a 10-year project (we are done in less than a year). She has the results NOW and not based on her bank account. (She owes me about $1,000 … and we are both comfortable with this workable solution.)

#6

I hope you find a solution. With acne and hair problems for a decade now, I’ve learned that no asset is more important than self esteem and confidence in life.

I agree with stoppit about bleaching. It especially works wonders for the chest and belly region for me- the hair are abundant and dark, but not coarse. Try it.

#7

Dont worry…I never bleached my face or any body part so I cannot comment on that.But,zaphairzap says right…"first accept yourself…its innerbeauty which good people see not the outerone…I hope yoyu undergo electrolysis one day and will be as beautiful as ever.

#8

Credit is a great idea. I was going to suggest she approach a local electrologist for some pro bono work but Michael’s idea is a much better strategy to use to approach someone.

#9

Thank you so much everyone, for your kind words and support.

Luckily I don’t have thick hair growth, just thick hairs which are really noticeable on fair skin. I know an electrologist is definitely the way to go. I feel like it will be enormously expensive…perhaps it would be less than I think?

My degree never got me decent job, and things have been tough since college. Because of this I am ridiculously frugal, never “treating” myself to the things I need. I besides my student loan I only have 5k CC debt, which is pretty damn good. I have a hard time rationalizing spending money on something cosmetic when it is hard to pay the bills. You all have me convinced that perhaps this once it would be good to splurge on myself. It would be life changing!

Michael Bono, I wasn’t aware that you could “run a tab” (Credit) through a clinic. Is it similar to loans and CCs where I would have a certain amount of interest accrued? I would like to do the neck part pretty quickly during the winter. I love scarves, as you suggested, I_love_pink. But it would be dangerous at my job so it would be nice to have cooler weather and be able to wear turtle necks.

Thank you so much everyone. Holding my head a little higher today.

#10

Einah, I think what Michael suggested isn’t in the official electrology handbook (if there is one!), it’s something he personally does. Many electrologists are self-employed so they run their business according to their rules. If you go to an electrologist at a salon or clinic, I guess you’d have to approach the management and see what they say.

Personally it’s not something I’d agree to unless I had met the client several times before and established some trust (on both sides), but everyone is different. It is definitely worth a try and stretching your budget to include electrolysis treatments would not only help your confidence and well being but save you time in the morning (shaving, tweezing, tying scarves.) :slight_smile:

You should hold your head high always! It’s not your fault you grew hair,and remember not everyone is judging you as harshly as you judge yourself.

#11

Einah, I just got finished reading your post. I too am a 31 yr old female with black coarse hairs growing from my chin, cheeks and neck. It all started about 3 yrs ago for me. I tweezed tweezed and tweezed some more just to keep it hid from my husband and family. Finally I gave up and came clean about my hair problem. He still doesn’t understand why it bothers me as much as it does, or why I cry myself to sleep some nights. It does have a way of making your self-esteem plummet. I have been going to an electrologist for a month now. I have my moments of (is this working?). The only advice I can give you based on my experience is that tweezing only seems to make the matter worse but I never could bring myself to shave it. Good luck !!

#12

Hi Einah. If you are good with computers or office cleaning or… whatever it is that the hair removal professional needs, offer to exchange services.

#13

You know I completely understand how upsetting the hair is to you, but at the same time, take heed of your husband’s indifference. By all means get it taken care of but don’t let it ruin your life in the meantime.

My very best friend has super long hair around her nipples and whiskers all over her chin. She could not care less (she doesn’t even tweeze them) and hasn’t let me treat her in spite of all my pleas!!!

She also has the best sex life of anyone I know. (Sorry if that offends, it wasn’t a gratuitous mention!) She makes jokes about braiding her nipple hair as a special treat for her husband.

Anyway, my point is that if you don’t let it bother you it won’t bother anyone else. Confidence is the most attractive quality of all and it defies age, race, gender and even hairiness!

#14

Thank you for the replies! I don’t see them as quickly as I should, there doesn’t seem to be email notification for replies?

I_love_pink, your friend and hubby sound awesome. My boyfriend and I have talked about this many times since our initial convo. He assures me that it is not very noticeable, but completely understands and supports my upcoming adventure with electrolysis.

I haven’t tweezed in a while, have been shaving it. I have black stubble in the morn when I wake up. But after a few weeks of this I imagine that all or most of them have grown out. Right now I have less than 30 hairs on my neck. While the random black hairs against very pale skin are hideous, I bet these can be cleared quickly and less expensively than I thought.